What I have been feeling lately ? ever since I returned from a UK to India, things have turned out very differently than expected. When I came back after my time in the UK and traveling to various other countries, it should have been a warm welcome back to family, friends, and loved ones, filled with memories and wonderful experiences. Unfortunately, the first thing I had to do when I landed in India was to check on my father in the hospital. So, I want to say it was a warm welcome, but I’m not convinced. Let me delve into different emotions separately.
Need, Desire, or Want I’m uncertain if the things I’m doing in my life right now are what I truly desire, or if I need to do them for some other reason.
Whether it’s work or anything else, my ability to differentiate between what I need and what I want is disrupted by overwhelming concerns. My mind is in chaos. There are things I believe I need and want, but I’m choosing silence. It doesn’t matter whether you need something or truly desire it; it feels like you won’t attain it. Life seemed smooth and taken care of in the UK, but now, I’m grappling with anger.
Anger has been the most twisted and troublesome feeling for me always.
I believe anger is the strongest emotion one can have, yet it only leads to harm. There’s no good that comes from anger, neither for you nor for others, not physically, not mentally. Emotions are vital, maybe even like vitamins, or perhaps they’re like toxins that our body and mind need to remove. We need to express ourselves to not store such toxins, but the realisation is I’ve been suppressing my anger, frustrations, and every argument I could have. The result is obvious – poor mental health and internal frustration, which impacts my ability to stay focused and think clearly.
Can we actually achieve eternal peace without unjust anger ? Monks can!
Decision-Making and Self-Isolation
Decision-making has also suffered. The choices I’ve been making lately are not thoughtful or rational because my ability to think clearly and focus has declined. I don’t know what’s causing this. I have put efforts in the UK to overcome one of my biggest weakness, which is self-isolation. No matter the circumstances joy, miseries, challenges I would just want to stay in my bed in my room. I wouldn’t go out to eat rather order in room, I wouldn’t go out to meet people regardless of importance and urgency, I wouldn’t go out to probably most obvious reasons one must have. Even whenever I face a challenging situation, I tend to isolate myself in a room, this started after I completed my school. I was learning to go out, meet people, and break free from this cycle, but now that I’m back, I find myself slipping back into self-isolation, avoiding social interactions. Deep down, I know this is my biggest weakness and an obstacle to achieving what I truly desire in life.
Love and Relationships
How do we fall in love with someone, stay in love, maintain distance, forget, move on, or end a relationship? How do we envision a future together with someone forever? The biggest suffering is not what we endure, but watching our loved ones suffer. However, I’ve experienced a different aspect – when you see someone suffering because of you, and you love that person, your only concern becomes making them happy without your presence, avoiding becoming a burden. People often say that when you love someone, you care about them and don’t want to hurt them. But consider this: if you had the choice to suffer alone or together, would you choose to stay alone? Even if you choose the second option, how long can you manage, and how long can you avoid feeling like a burden? Perhaps this is why some people make decisions to stay alone or let others go. Or maybe it’s all just a facade to maintain distance and separation.
Career • Happiness
I’ll do this I’ll do that and it goes on… but it’s not happening.
